secrets and confessions

secrets and confessions



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Real or not?

Last week I was on vacation in istanbul. It is a great city, a ravishing mixture between east and west. 3 Months after the breakup with my last boyfriend (it lasted a year) I felt I could be looking for someone new. Well, I met some really nice guys there, but they were all about 30. And, of course, living in Istanbul. There was not one German boy  in my age, who strolled along my way. Damned, isn't it? There was a nice waiter at that tourist restaurant, who called me, with my blonde hair, his "angel" and wanted me to come again later that night to teach him some German. (At least no French, oh my gosh!) I was like, okay, no, thanks... The problem was of course that I was travelling with my parents, which is great when needing money and other stuff, but certainly NOT when trying to have a nice - I'll just call it Semi-affair, relationship, whatever. Had I been there by myself, i would have directly said "Yes, when do you want me to come again?", when I think about it. This might sound helpless and needy, but after a serious break up, you come to that point when you think, that you have to be wanted and admired again, otherwise you couldn't be happy. Which girl hasn't that vision about her, when making out with a hot, knowing, real man, compared to whom her ex is just a grey, unexpierenced mouse. And the best thing about all that is that her ex catches her with that new lover and just begins to hurl himself into self-reflexion and regrets about leting her go. But, no, we don't even take a look at our ex and go on straightly doing our thing and laugh about him, his looks, his mind, his bed skills and the hilarious look on his face when jealousy caught hold of him. And we think, okay, now it's finally over, now I will never shed a tear because of you. OK that all is a clear sign that it's NOT over yet. I think we will have to let time work on that issue. I think I am just close to that border to the phase without triumph visions and full of oblivion. Oh, how I hope to be able to forget! His face, his parents' faces, his car, his licence number, his dog, all these things are still on my mind, sometimes more, sometimes, less. You know what? At this time I am praying to GOD to make me forget. Anyone an idea how to handle that? (Except looking for a new one? I just have no time  for a new guywhen being at home, to be honest..) And Yes, I did start concentrating on school work.

Oh,I think, I should do that right away....

See you soon, dear blog, feverpassion.

19.5.08 11:56

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